I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize