my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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