I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
