if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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