why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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