First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
