alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
