i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
