just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize