I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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