Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
