I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
