I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
