Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
