to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Mom said you looked used
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
