ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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