i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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