cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
