so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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