So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
