just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
