I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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