he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
