I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
