Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
