next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I will pee on everything he values.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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