dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
