i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
