I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
