Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
