I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
