Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize