You're a womanizer and a bitch.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
