this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
