I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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