Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
