good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
