I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Drake has all the answers
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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