Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
