I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
