You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
