Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
A+ Viking dick
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize