just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
