what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
