A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Terrible idea I love it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
