Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
