Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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