Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize