Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
