Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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