god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize