____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
