Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
