Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
