I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
