Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
