i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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