haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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